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Cured Using Natural Therapies

by Fingermae

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1.
It could have happened to anyone,  Saw an ad in the paper, it looked like a dream job: Great rates, good fun, didn’t look too hard, Didn’t think I’d get it ‘cos it looked just perfect for me,  They said start immediately. For a while I was happy,  I didn’t let all the stares and random abuse  From strangers get me down,  They don’t know me anyhow. I guess the point that I lost faith Was when Bill in accounting made a complaint and  That was the last time anyone heard of him,  I heard he went for an acid swim. Slowly a nagging doubt fell upon my mind That the work I’m doing might destroy mankind But the most important thing is to clock in on time ‘Cos the money is fantastic. Yeah I know it’s immoral and it may not be wise But I work for the bad guys. My boss is a wanker, all he tells us is lies -  I work for the bad guys. They really handled it cleverly,  The training after recruitment was reasonably basic And then they started gradually, Turning up the evil. A little workaround here and there,  They made it like it was your idea  To throw out your ethics and swear you would faithfully, Toe the company line. A turn of phrase from our CEO, Could make a vacuum cleaner blow  And not have a clue it was doing it,  Let alone why. Every meeting leaves a stronger sour taste in my mouth,  I recognise bullshit but I don’t have a cow, I stifle my conscience simply by pointing out That the money is fantastic Yeah I know it’s immoral and it may not be wise But I work for the bad guys. My boss is a wanker, all he tells us is lies -  I work for the bad guys. Yeah my boss is always carrying his sinister cat,  And he makes us wear really uncomfortable hats, I’m not sure of what my limits are of what I can stand But fat cheques are really good for wiping blood off your hands. Yeah I know my karma’s a bitch & it’ll catch me sometime But I work for the bad guys. I fed a guy to piranhas, after drugging his wine: I work for the bad guys. I even cheat on my taxes but I never get fined,  ‘Cos I work for the bad guys. Don’t judge me by what I do on company time -  I work for the bad guys.
2.
3.
Nancy was a girl who could put a smile on any face, Cuter than a button and warmer than a fireplace. Friend to the animal & general distributor of love: Nobody guessed she had such a taste for blood (well, part of her did...)   It started one morning when she just couldn’t find the string, Or the kotex it belonged to, no matter how many fingers she put in. She worried for a few days but soon forgot all about it, But the creature in her pants had awoke and it wouldn’t be disregarded.   Nancy never noticed the bite marks on her bike seat, She couldn’t figure out why her tummy and her womb were barking at each other,  But when she kept waking up with half chewed knickers, it was fairly plain to see, She shouldn’t have gone to bed with a hungry vagina. Shouldn’t have gone to bed with a hungry Vagina.   Nancy was a little worried - she was on a diet, It’s hard to control your intake when there’s mouths on both ends, She went to the doctor, said “Doctor gimme the news! I think I’ve got a terribly bad case of hungry poon! (It’s very upsetting)”   Doctor’s advice was to take two and plenty of bed rest, Clearly she didn’t believe it, she just wrote it off as stress. Nancy was dismayed, but she knew what she had to do, She began to feed it fruit and veggies every afternoon.   The beast of her loins wasn’t veggo, it needed meat, It supported her ideals but didn’t share them when it bit off Zoe’s finger, & in the scramble for ice and bandages, the neighbours heard her girlfriend scream You shouldn’t have gone to bed with a hungry vagina. Shouldn’t have gone to bed with a hungry Vagina.   She resigned herself to treating it just like her other cats, Feeding it raw mince & cleaning up the slaughtered rats. Her love life was saved when she discovered Kevlar gloves, She got along fine so long as routines were kept up.   But there were slip ups, and they could end in tragedy: The cute little kitten she’d just adopted, would end it’s life inside her, & on that occasion a tearful Nancy turned and said to me, I shouldn’t have gone to bed with a hungry vagina. Shouldn’t have gone to bed with a hungry Vagina. For a pen pal, it had the stingray that killed Steve Irwin. One time it ate a scented candle even though it was on fire And as she applied some ointment to try and ease genital burning She said I shouldn’t have gone to bed with a hungry vagina.
4.
GG 03:31
Irrelevancy’s getting me down, Feel like I should be throwing my weight around, Don’t have much to say but I can be loud And I’m damned well gonna be heard. I’m hanging ten on the second wave, Cursing the arrival of a better age, Wishing I was relevant like back in the day When the girls hung on my every word. What is a leader to do when they’ve lost track of where they’re going? Do I just plough on through like I had no way of knowing? I’m pulling hard on the teat of a book, That feeds my legend while you all overlook The way I grew into a bigoted fool Of the garden variety. So now they call me Agent Provocateur, That’s French for pseudo-intellectual jerk, I don’t have time to do the proper research But I speak with authority. It’s hard to be an anarchist when the establishment loves you. The revolution is a very difficult thing catch up to (Germaine!) My name is like a stain on the cover Of a book you would expect to be at least slightly clever, (Greer!) With a sneer I am here to deliver Some down home kook with a divisive agenda. Female eunuchs are ok if it’s a part of the culture but I don’t think that phenotypes can ever be altered I’m smelling your vagina for authenticity, Wonder why the queers all like to throw shit at me? Why can’t they just let an old woman be? I’m not inciting anything. Don’t ever count on me making the change To be consistent in what I do and say With what I wrote on a fabled page Where sex wasn’t destiny Why walk on eggshells when you can trample minorities? I’ve misplaced my glasses I can’t see the hypocrisy (Germaine!) Did you call for an upper middle class white Relic fixated on the Prime Ministers arse? (Greer!) Have no fear, the sound bite’s here to pass judgement On anything from sport to Dancing With The Stars. You need controversy? All you do is give me a call - I’m a whiz at debates except the logical part. It's my privilege to be here on your panel today What was the topic again?  (Germaine!) My name is like a stain on the cover Of a book you would expect to be at least slightly clever, (Greer!) With a sneer I am here to deliver Some down home kook with a divisive agenda. I'm a whole woman but a few planks short a verandah  When was I a leader of thought? Can anybody remember?
5.
You're such a penis, You're smaller than you think you are, Try to build yourself up for a show But you're still the same little prick as before.   You're such a penis, You only engage until you get relief, Leave people begging for your attention, While you beat a hasty retreat.   You're such a penis, Pull back the skin to reveal your ugly side, Most of what comes out your mouth is just waste But you think it's the secret to life.   You have to indulge in your freedoms, You were born to be shared with the world, But once your territory's marked, there's no leaving, You'll never let go of your hold on that girl.   You're such a penis, Always pulling out, leaving a mess; Your performance is always technically good, But tragically lacking in depth.   You're such a penis.
6.
So you've had a rough trot getting where you are as who you've been, People just don't understand the trouble that you've seen, The world's a fucked up place for anyone more radial than square, I know in time the shit builds up & it's impossible to bear Surely if you lash out here and there we can't hold that against you? If here and there weren't everywhere I guess that might be half true There's a difference between standing strong and standing over others, Lying in your bed of woe, I see you wank under the covers. Assholes are represented equally in every population, Jerks are present in each subgroup and political persuasion. It's uncomfortable to call out people lacking in your privelige We must remember at all times, a fuckwit is still a fuckwit. I'll never hate you for the factors that are out of your control, I hope people realise no one person represents the whole But I can hate you for your lies, abuse and violent disposition Although you've had it tough you're still a fucking lousy person. You can play the pity card until you're black and blue, But don't expect a free pass on the shitty things you do; Just 'cos you're oppressed it doesn't make you special Disadvantaged does not equal unaccountable. The system might have failed you but it's plain for all to see In spite of that you're still a cockstain - that's called intersectionality.
7.
Sanity 02:51
Sometimes I wanna act like I’m a chicken, On a unicycle on a railway bridge. But I never do ‘cos I feel so restricted, Wondering what everyone will think. I’m worried word might spread to my employer, And then they’ll find a way to have me sacked. But most of all I’m certain that the chicken suit, Is proportioned in a way that it makes me look fat. Did you ever wish that sometimes you could let go? Did you ever want to act without thinking first? If I ever lose my mind I don’t think that I’ll go looking for it, Sanity’s more trouble than it’s worth. It’s not like I wanna live under supervision, I’m the kinda girl who enjoys privacy, And I can say with absolute conviction, Strait-jackets are really not the ideal look for me I’d rather be what some would call eccentric, Bizarre but not a danger to the world. I’d slap door knocking salesmen with a herring, And I’d try to train my apples to eat worms. Did you ever wish that sometimes you could let go? Did you ever want to act without thinking first? If I ever lose my mind I don’t think that I’ll go looking for it, Sanity’s more trouble than it’s worth. It’s not about attention I’m just venting my frustration At the way I have to go through life repressed, But as I’m getting older and I shuffle on from day to day, I’m noticing there’s less cards in the deck; I got one screw loose and now I’m slowly working on the rest. Did you ever wish that sometimes you could let go? & Not have to live to a standard set by others? If I ever lose my mind I don’t think that I’ll go looking for it, Sanity’s more trouble than it’s worth.
8.
Well I’m out on the loose with my backpack in hand, Got some special deliveries I’ll shove where I can. Your unsuspecting Australia Post receptacle… Oh so defenseless and temptingly molestable. I’ve been folding for hours and I’ve gotta get out, Rolled up catalogues six inches round; Way too big to fit the average hole, But unperturbed I’ll shove it in with glee - ‘cos I’m a letterbox rapist, I’ll penetrate your slot. Yeah I’ll jam it in both sides, Whether you like it or not. Some people like to throw from a car, I never was one to attack from afar. I like to do my deeds up close and personal, Watch them struggle and try to get away… But they’re stuck to the ground. Letterbox rapist I’ll penetrate your slot. Yeah I’ll jam it in both sides, Whether you like it or not. Sometimes I feel guilty, for spreading this crap. Whenever it gets me down, I take a look back To my mailbox at home. With it’s No Junk Mail sign. I think how the bastards ignore it, Every. Single. Time. Letterbox rapist I’ll penetrate your slot. Yeah I’ll jam it in both sides, Whether you like it or not. Letterbox rapist I’ll penetrate your slot. Little old ladies love it, They’ll take everything I’ve got. (Often twice).
9.
I saw you rock up to the party and work your way systematically through the room, Moving on as non-smokers go for cigarettes and others beg your pardon with flimsy excuses (uh, I’ve left the cat on the stove) I considered moving out of your path to avoid whatever everyone is running away from, But my curiosity got the better of me so I stayed to try to make conversation. About thirty seconds after introductions are made and I’ve studied every mark on the wall, I’m too nice to make up a reason to leave but I don’t think that I can take any more. I’m sorry that I have to say this, but you’re boring and nobody likes you. ‘Cos you ramble on every chance you get about shit that no one can relate to. & When we try to make a polite escape Your eye contact holds us right in place, I hate to be the one to say this, but you’re boring and nobody likes you. To have an opening gambit of letting us know what you do for a job is one thing, But you go into rules and regulations and procedural codes without further prompting. And small talk comprising of sports, cars and hobbies is all ok in my book, I don’t even mind hearing ‘bout relationship trouble but you go on about how yours is successful. Most people take a hint when someone’s not too keen on hearing what they have to say, But you keep stepping back into my line of sight every time I try to turn away. I’m sorry that I have to say this, but you’re boring and nobody likes you. ‘Cos you ramble on every chance you get about shit that no one can relate to. & When we try to make a polite escape Your eye contact holds us right in place, I hate to be the one to say this, but you’re boring and nobody likes you. I know I might seem arrogant and rude for my assessment of your personality, but when I tried to stage a conversational coup you left almost immediately. I’m sorry that I have to say this, but you’re boring and nobody likes you. ‘Cos you talk about yourself so much it’s obvious that’s all that you’re into. If we change the subject we’re met with short replies ’til the conversation’s back on familiar lines. I hate to be the one to say this, but you’re boring and nobody likes you.
10.
JACWAG 03:11

credits

released September 12, 2016

Recorded at The Plex Studio, mastered by King Willy Sound

(except bonus tracks recorded, mixed and mastered by Sally)

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Fingermae Newtown, Australia

Fingermae are a three piece Jazz Punk combo from Newtown. They enjoy playing live and hope to one day organise a proper press photo.

Sally - Guitar & Vocals
Jackie - Bass & Vocals
Lauren - Drums & Vocals
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